Friday, January 14, 2011

the First

First baby.

is breastfeeding supposed to hurt like this what am i doing wrong is she supposed to sleep this much during the day oh my god i can't get her to go back to sleep at night she just threw up a whole feeding is she getting enough milk i'm so afraid to give her a bath she's so slippery and her HEAD is so floppy why can't i figure out how to cloth diaper is she okay in this carrier do we keep it too quiet in here does she look comfortable in that carseat should i wake her up for a feeding do i hold her too much is it weird that she never really cries AM I DOING THIS RIGHT

I had trouble getting her onesie over her head. I had so many questions.

So I started reading The Books.

feed on demand (but what if she wants to nurse every hour?) you can't hold a newborn too much (but what if she's not a newborn anymore?) you should start to see some sleep patterns by three months (but what do you mean by a pattern?) call a doctor if a fever exceeds one oh two (ha, i call the doctor every day i think) start a bottle no earlier than four weeks but don't wait too long (she refuses. now what?) she should take three naps (or five?) watch for signs of sleepiness (run those by me again?) put her down drowsy but awake (OMG WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?)

The Books made my head spin. So I put them down. And picked up my baby instead. And loved her the best way I knew how.

Now she's six. Yes, she's still a picky eater. Yes, she still sometimes has trouble going to sleep. But she's a gem. And she's doing just fine.

She can sort out the issues later in therapy if she has to.


First novel

who is telling this story what voice should i use how do i make my characters BREATHE wait, where is the plot going again whats the point of this scene who is my audience how am i going to pull this all together who am i kidding this is so BIG i don't know what i'm doing did i mention I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING?

My notebook is a discard pile of sentences that don't fit together. I have so many questions.

There are Books, I realize, about how to write a novel. Classes, even. Entire graduate degrees.

But I'm not going to look at them. {not today.}

I don't want to know what the experts say. I just want to love my story the best way I know how. By picking up my pen. And writing. {Every day or every other day or once a week Even if it's just one sentence. Or one word.}

It's going to have flaws. Major flaws. if it gets done. But I can work that out later.

That's what editing is for.