During the lead-up to a race, I always get nervous. Often, the night before I can't sleep at all. My guts do an unpleasant gymnastics routine the morning of.
This annoys me.
Why is this happening?!? What for?!?
The stakes are quite low overall. I'm a solidly mid-pack runner. It's not like I'm trying to win anything, or even qualify for something. It's always me running alongside my own expectations. That's it. And even that's not a lot of pressure. Things don't always go as planned, and I'm okay with that. I love the process more than the outcome, anyway.
So why the nerves?
It's this:
I'm willingly putting myself in the path of pain.
I'm saying yes to it.
I know that doing this is going to hurt.
And I'm doing it anyway.
I will be uncomfortable.
But I want what's on the other side of the discomfort
more than I want to avoid it.
I'm so curious about what's on the other side.
I'll admit: time, pace, place -- I'm curious about those things, too.
Every time.
I want to know what I'm capable of.
I want to see the metrics.
But I'm even more curious about this:
What do I have the capacity for?
This is different than the numbers.
This is about how big my container is.
How much can I hold?
What am I willing to feel?
My capacity is not fixed.
It's made of something flexible.
It can stretch. Unfold. Expand.
Also I have choice.
I can stop. I can opt out.
I can get away.
But what if I want to stay?
What if I want to stay but pain is filling my body?
What then?
This:
I don't want to do this anymore.
That's ok.
Remind me where you are.
Right here.
Where?
Dirt under feet. Trees overhead.
Wind singing in my ears and across my skin.
Stay there. Stay there.
Okay.
I'm tired. I don't feel good anymore.
That's okay. You expected that.
What can you do to let your body know
that you are safe?
Drop my shoulders. Relax my face.
Get breath in my belly, not just my upper lungs.
Smile. Even if it's an imagined smile.
Do that. Do that.
Stay.
Stay.
I will. I am. I will. I am.
What do I have capacity for?
Anything.
Everything.
How much can my container expand?
It's unmeasurable.
It's infinite.
Choose to stay.
Stay.
I'm here with you.
