A doll, face down on the hardwood floor. Dead quiet as is her nature. She makes my chest hurt and I must must must right her. Face up, queen of the toy mountain, empty eyes stare past me. I have to look away.
***
The grass is getting too long. It tops her ankles and tickles her calves. She's barefoot, dress past her knees. For now. Clean. For now. She crisscrosses the yard random like a moth but following some map she makes up as she goes. I should get up and make lunch but I can't stop watching her.
***
Dishes. Done and drip dried resting in the rack. Clear them out make room for more. Three colored bowls nest together just so, a neat stack I hold right now. A few drops of water pooled in the rims slide out onto my palm. Tears when I'm not looking. I don't brush them away.
***
Clumps of hair like autumn leaves litter the floor under the chair in wet chunks the way they fell. The shape of her face stands out, not chubby cheeked like one year ago but more angular and wise with memories that are starting to stick. In the mirror she's a decade older and I blink once and look back at her real form. Still four. Still four. I almost pocket a chunk of that hair. But I leave it. It's not a piece of her anymore. Never really was.
***
I make it to the top of the hill. Without stopping this time. But now I have to. Head down, heat pooling in my cheeks, sweat dripping down them, chest just about to burst. Next time, in theory, this should be easier. But maybe not.
***
She's learning to ride a bike, frustration leaking out in tears. Stoppered. Then flowing again. I want to be the hero. The voice. The guide. The safety net. But I can only tell her what she already knows. The magic that she needs to find evaporates when I hold it out to her. I don't like it when you try to help. You tell me to try again. Her words bruise my skin but I roll down my sleeves. Her face when she gets it lightens the sky so much that even though I missed her exact expression I felt it. I felt it.
***
I've never felt real pain. Only twinges. Someday something will smack me in the face. I know that.
